He's his what????

My husband and I went to Costco, a place where it is truly best if we stay together.  Unfortunately, I was immediately distracted by this.

Two televisions playing both Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back simultaneously?  There is no way I could resist watching them.  They even ended at the same time.

My husband was very happy about this development, not only did it mean he would know where I was the entire time, but that he could shop without restraint.

Which reminds me, anyone want some spicy pickle chips?  We have a tub of them...

Bizzare foods At Home

Obviously, if you read this blog you like people who have a taste of adventure, which is why I must recommend this blog to you!

This blog is a chronicle of Aubrey as she eats her way through some stuff that I would never even touch! (I love adventure but I love my food to not make me want to vomit) If you like watching Anthony Bourdain munch on entrails or Andrew Zimmern eat…whatever the heck it is that he eats than this is the blog you should be reading.

Here is the link to Bizarre Foods at Home www.bizzarefoodsathome.blogspot.com

Are you as brave as she is? (I’m not!)

This scares me

So I had to go to the Post Office on December 7th and I had to get in line to mail something out. In front of me were two people that were in front of me. Being nosy this is the conversation I overheard:

“Did you see the flag?” said one guy in jeans and a sweatshirt.

“No, is something up with the flag?”, the other guy asked as he played on his phone.

“Yeah, it’s at half mast and I have no idea why”, the guy said with a bit of frustration in his voice.

“Really? Someone important must have died. I wonder who it was”, the other guy replied.

“I didn’t hear anything about someone dying”the first guy said,” You think it was a celebrity?”

“Dude, I’ll just look it up on my phone”, the second guy said as he scrolled on his phone.

A few minutes of looking later the guys seemed stumped. The both agreed that it must have been some celebrity that died and were speculating on who it could be when I could stand it no longer.

“It’s Pearl Harbor Day! That’s why the flag is at half mast”, I said to them.

They both turned to me with puzzled looks on their faces.

“Pearl Harbor has a day?” one guy said

“But it’s in Hawaii”, the phone guy added.

“Yes, it is in Hawaii and it has a day. Today is Pearl Harbor day and therefore the flags at half mast in honor of those who died today 69 years ago”, I said trying to figure out how this very simple explanation could possibly be so confusing to them.

“Maybe in Hawaii it is” one guy scoffed and then turned to walk to the postal worker teller that had just become available. As they walked away I could hear them still pondering the flags status.

I am very concerned about the education in America……

Wardrobe Malfunction

I have a satin blouse that I love, but I never wear it. So when I picked it out of the closet today I thought “Why don’t I wear this more?” and put it on. It wasn’t until I got far enough away from the house to not be able to go back and change that I remembered, this blouse likes to pop open and I never seem to notice when it does.

So here is a list of places or people that saw my boobs over the last day:

The bagel shops employees and patrons (it was full of people)
The board (5 men) at one of my client buildings, my boss and the building manager
The front desk at another building and all residents in the lobby
The front desk at another building and the security and residents in the lobby
At a different buildings holiday party full of residents
Smart and Final
The Post Office
Target in the women’s department, in the book section and at the checkout stand (I bought a sweater to wear over the shirt)

Sadly, since I never can tell when the blouse pops open I end up flashing the world for an indeterminate amount of time.

Odds are I’m going to forget it does this and a wear it out again sometime….

Warning!

This is really a warning that is in everyone’s best interest: Do NOT give me coffee
But why, you ask?

I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like the taste of it (although I love the smell of it) and have never had a cup of coffee or any variation thereof, in my life.

So when a nice man came into my office today and gave me a coffee, I took a few sips to be polite but never intended to drink the whole thing. However, the coffee he brought was delicious! This delightful confection was full of sugar and cream and various tasty and high caloric things that masked the taste of the coffee that lurked somewhere in the drink. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire thing!

I had forgotten that I had not eaten anything that day and didn’t realize that this would be a full sugar/caffeine jolt to my system without any kind of buffer. Next thing I know everything is super funny and I can’t stop giggling!

I am at work! This behavior is unacceptable! I try to calm myself down but apparently that doesn’t extend to my feet which have started a tap dancing routine without my permission.

I am super excited to see everyone, and my speech starts getting incredibly fast paced. The baffled look of “what the hell?” crosses every ones face as they (try) to speak to me. I am bouncing along as I walk, with the occasional “Shuffle off to buffalo” tap move tossed in for good measure.

That random noise that everyone is hearing is me, tunelessly humming. One of my co-workers looked at me and said, “Look at her eyes! It’s like she’s on crack!”

My heart rate was accelerated and I was suddenly overcome with an urge to go shopping. Another co-worker called to tell me explicitly not to go shopping in this condition. “What does she know? I just want to go shopping…everywhere!”

Everything was extraordinarily fascinating but at the same time everything took me way longer to process than normal. I looked up how this drink is made; it has multiple shots of espresso in it! This is unacceptable!

Finally, about three hours later I finally crashed.

Please do not let me do this again! Now that I know there is a type of coffee out there that actually tastes good, but apparently is made with a bazillion shots of espresso, I will probably be tempted to try it once again. This is a bad plan! No matter how amusing it maybe, do not let me drink coffee. It is like letting a ferret loose in a room full of shiny objects. You don’t want to deal with that kind of crazy!

This public service announcement was brought to you by the letter C for Caffeine.

Failed Career Option #435

So, there are some things that I can do and some that I cannot. Today I learned another career that I am not destined for........

Hairdresser

Reason #1

Obviously there is the whole geometry issue - that I suck at math in general and really fail much more spectacularly at geometry seems like reason enough to avoid this particular profession.

Reason #2

Apparently I am a truly terrible hair color applicator. To the person to whom I did this terrible thing, I am sorry.

I know I'm going to hell....

Warning: I am a bit of a jerk in this blog post. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but in my defense I was trying to get out of jury duty and felt the need to be as obnoxious as possible.

Jury Questioning

Nothing is more fun for someone with ADD then waiting in a room with a bunch of people who are told to stay quiet, with nothing to do or observe, and wait for information. So I was actually excited to be called into a room with other people for some questioning.

We were called into a small room and there were not more than 30 people in the room. They tell us to take a seat and wait for the nice people to come in and speak with us. We’ll be asked a few questions that will help whittle down the jury.

Some gentlemen come into the room and introduce themselves as people working on the trial. They have a few questions for us and that we’ll start right now.

To avoid going to jail I am not going to post the actual questions that were asked that could be construed to give any information on the case. But here is what (I think) I could put together about this case.

It’s a civil case and had something to do with business. There were some veiled questions about how we enjoyed looking at charts, reading forms and documents and things like that. Sounds like fun already

There must have been some ethical quandary about investigations and the process because they were also asking questions that could pertain to how we interpreted business ethics. Debating business ethics and moral ambiguity, even more fun!

Then the nice lawyers turned to me and asked me how I felt about law enforcement.

Speaking way to fast and enthusiastically I say “I love law enforcement; I am very pro law enforcement. My Dad and brother are part of the sheriff’s association, my cousin is a lawyer, a childhood friend works as a prosecuting attorney and my boss’s husband works for the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Thank you” the lawyer says as he starts to turn away from me.

Shit, what am I going to do to get off this jury? I was told if I pledged my undying loyalty to law enforcement that it was a sure fire way to get dismissed!

As the lawyer starts to speak I blurt out “And I’m pro-death penalty!”
He turns back around to look at me, incredulous that I have just yelled that out to the room.

I'm going to pretend that his was a calculated move on my part. In my fevered brain I figured that with this hasty declaration the people will conclude one of two things:

1) That I am an idiot who doesn’t know that the death penalty is not applicable to a civil case- and therefore I don’t have the brains to be on the jury

OR

2) That I am an idiot that doesn’t have the brains to shut up and would be totally incapable of controlling herself during trial – and therefore I shouldn’t be on the jury

“Um…why?”, the nice gentleman asked. In retrospect I think it was asked more as a question of why had I exclaimed this and not why am I a proponent

“I’m Catholic; our entire religion is based on the death penalty”, I said very calmly as if that explained everything.

The nice lady to my left, a few empty seats down, bristles at this answer and loudly exclaims,” Young lady I cannot believe you said that! You need to read your Bible to understand the word of God”.

“I have read the Bible”, I replied. Because it’s true, I have read it and studied it multiple times and not just for a class assignment.

The lawyers at this time are now frantically trying to get control over what has turned into a debate over religion, and this is not a good way to get people to act impartially.

“Well then you need to pray before you read the holy word of our Lord so that you understand what he is saying”, she says very smugly, as if I was a small naughty child caught in a lie.

“It was a very nice book, but I don’t think I need to pray before reading it. That won’t change my comprehension of what it contains”.

Both lawyers are talking to both of us while waving their arms trying to get our attention. But we are now way to into this debate to stop and are totally ignoring them.

“Book!” she screeched, at which point this makes the lady start sputtering and squeaking at a very high pitched and rapid rate. To which I start talking over her, in order to cause the most commotion in this tiny echoing room as possible.

To add to the confusion I yell out "I love Muppet's!" - which really stopped everyone mid-argument to figure out what the blazes I had moved on to next.

Finally, in order to gain control over the room which is now watching us argue and not paying any attention to either lawyer, one brave lawyer steps in between us and says,” You both may go. Thank you”.

We both stop talking and I hop out of the chair and walk towards the door. Unfortunately I have to walk out with this lady who is shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

The jury video promised that we would make life long friends at jury duty, but something tells me that she will not want to be pen pals when we exit.

*Again, I would like to point out that I know I am going to perdition for my behavior and truly am sorry for upsetting this lady with my outrageous remarks.