Warning!

This is really a warning that is in everyone’s best interest: Do NOT give me coffee
But why, you ask?

I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like the taste of it (although I love the smell of it) and have never had a cup of coffee or any variation thereof, in my life.

So when a nice man came into my office today and gave me a coffee, I took a few sips to be polite but never intended to drink the whole thing. However, the coffee he brought was delicious! This delightful confection was full of sugar and cream and various tasty and high caloric things that masked the taste of the coffee that lurked somewhere in the drink. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire thing!

I had forgotten that I had not eaten anything that day and didn’t realize that this would be a full sugar/caffeine jolt to my system without any kind of buffer. Next thing I know everything is super funny and I can’t stop giggling!

I am at work! This behavior is unacceptable! I try to calm myself down but apparently that doesn’t extend to my feet which have started a tap dancing routine without my permission.

I am super excited to see everyone, and my speech starts getting incredibly fast paced. The baffled look of “what the hell?” crosses every ones face as they (try) to speak to me. I am bouncing along as I walk, with the occasional “Shuffle off to buffalo” tap move tossed in for good measure.

That random noise that everyone is hearing is me, tunelessly humming. One of my co-workers looked at me and said, “Look at her eyes! It’s like she’s on crack!”

My heart rate was accelerated and I was suddenly overcome with an urge to go shopping. Another co-worker called to tell me explicitly not to go shopping in this condition. “What does she know? I just want to go shopping…everywhere!”

Everything was extraordinarily fascinating but at the same time everything took me way longer to process than normal. I looked up how this drink is made; it has multiple shots of espresso in it! This is unacceptable!

Finally, about three hours later I finally crashed.

Please do not let me do this again! Now that I know there is a type of coffee out there that actually tastes good, but apparently is made with a bazillion shots of espresso, I will probably be tempted to try it once again. This is a bad plan! No matter how amusing it maybe, do not let me drink coffee. It is like letting a ferret loose in a room full of shiny objects. You don’t want to deal with that kind of crazy!

This public service announcement was brought to you by the letter C for Caffeine.

Can I interest you in a business venture?

Apparently this weekend I was very ambitious and decided to start my own business. I received a phone call this morning from my bank wanting to verify some purchases this weekend. The lady on the phone was very nice and had a few transactions she wanted to cover.

Since I had gone up to LA last weekend I thought maybe they were going to ask me about any Disney or pirate related purchases.

First purchase: “Did you try to make a purchase at 3am this morning for $1.00 via yahoo?“
“ No, I did not do that”.


Second Purchase: “Did you spend $534.00 on business materials in Portugal yesterday?”

“Um, no I definitely did not do that.”

“Are you sure you weren’t in Portugal this weekend?”, asked the nice but obviously geographically challenged bank teller.

“No, I am positive I was not in Portugal this weekend, nor did I authorize any purchase of that amount to anyone in the US or Portugal this weekend”.

“Ok, great”, the banker said.

Third Purchase: “Did you spend $656.00 on marketing materials in Portugal this weekend?”

“No, like I said I was never in Portugal this weekend or even used this card this weekend”.

“Are you sure you didn’t go to Portugal this weekend?”, the banker asked.

In my mind I was thinking, “Ok, wait, now that you mention it you’re totally right, I did go to Portugal this weekend. It’s a 16 hour flight from San Diego, but you’re right, I did go to Portugal this weekend and it completely slipped my mind. “

But instead I said,”I am positive I did not jaunt off to Portugal this weekend”.

“Well if you didn’t authorize these purchases then it seems like maybe your card was compromised and we’ll cancel it.”, the banker said.

“Great, let’s do that. Cancel the card, because I did not make those purchases”, I said as firmly as I could.

“I can do that,” the banker said,”But to verify, you didn’t go to Portugal for the weekend?”

Are you being serious? I know that this is credit card fraud and I’m glad they’re being vigilant, but, really? I can promise you I did not go to Portugal and back this weekend. Check my atm card; you’ll see that I used it all around San Diego all weekend. And while San Diego has a large Portuguese community, we have never been mistaken for Portugal. Having been to Portugal myself I promise I would absolutely know if I went back to visit.

But again, all I said was,”Yes, I am sure that I did not go to Portugal for the weekend.”

"Well, if you are sure you did not go to Portugal then I guess we can cancel the card. If you're totally sure", the banker said.

"I am sure that I did not go to Portugal this weekend!", I said with more than a little exasperation.

From there, the phone call was more standard. But since it appears that I have invested in business materials, and that I went all the way to Portugal for them, can I interest you in a business opportunity?

Failed Career Option #435

So, there are some things that I can do and some that I cannot. Today I learned another career that I am not destined for........

Hairdresser

Reason #1

Obviously there is the whole geometry issue - that I suck at math in general and really fail much more spectacularly at geometry seems like reason enough to avoid this particular profession.

Reason #2

Apparently I am a truly terrible hair color applicator. To the person to whom I did this terrible thing, I am sorry.

I know I'm going to hell....

Warning: I am a bit of a jerk in this blog post. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but in my defense I was trying to get out of jury duty and felt the need to be as obnoxious as possible.

Jury Questioning

Nothing is more fun for someone with ADD then waiting in a room with a bunch of people who are told to stay quiet, with nothing to do or observe, and wait for information. So I was actually excited to be called into a room with other people for some questioning.

We were called into a small room and there were not more than 30 people in the room. They tell us to take a seat and wait for the nice people to come in and speak with us. We’ll be asked a few questions that will help whittle down the jury.

Some gentlemen come into the room and introduce themselves as people working on the trial. They have a few questions for us and that we’ll start right now.

To avoid going to jail I am not going to post the actual questions that were asked that could be construed to give any information on the case. But here is what (I think) I could put together about this case.

It’s a civil case and had something to do with business. There were some veiled questions about how we enjoyed looking at charts, reading forms and documents and things like that. Sounds like fun already

There must have been some ethical quandary about investigations and the process because they were also asking questions that could pertain to how we interpreted business ethics. Debating business ethics and moral ambiguity, even more fun!

Then the nice lawyers turned to me and asked me how I felt about law enforcement.

Speaking way to fast and enthusiastically I say “I love law enforcement; I am very pro law enforcement. My Dad and brother are part of the sheriff’s association, my cousin is a lawyer, a childhood friend works as a prosecuting attorney and my boss’s husband works for the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Thank you” the lawyer says as he starts to turn away from me.

Shit, what am I going to do to get off this jury? I was told if I pledged my undying loyalty to law enforcement that it was a sure fire way to get dismissed!

As the lawyer starts to speak I blurt out “And I’m pro-death penalty!”
He turns back around to look at me, incredulous that I have just yelled that out to the room.

I'm going to pretend that his was a calculated move on my part. In my fevered brain I figured that with this hasty declaration the people will conclude one of two things:

1) That I am an idiot who doesn’t know that the death penalty is not applicable to a civil case- and therefore I don’t have the brains to be on the jury

OR

2) That I am an idiot that doesn’t have the brains to shut up and would be totally incapable of controlling herself during trial – and therefore I shouldn’t be on the jury

“Um…why?”, the nice gentleman asked. In retrospect I think it was asked more as a question of why had I exclaimed this and not why am I a proponent

“I’m Catholic; our entire religion is based on the death penalty”, I said very calmly as if that explained everything.

The nice lady to my left, a few empty seats down, bristles at this answer and loudly exclaims,” Young lady I cannot believe you said that! You need to read your Bible to understand the word of God”.

“I have read the Bible”, I replied. Because it’s true, I have read it and studied it multiple times and not just for a class assignment.

The lawyers at this time are now frantically trying to get control over what has turned into a debate over religion, and this is not a good way to get people to act impartially.

“Well then you need to pray before you read the holy word of our Lord so that you understand what he is saying”, she says very smugly, as if I was a small naughty child caught in a lie.

“It was a very nice book, but I don’t think I need to pray before reading it. That won’t change my comprehension of what it contains”.

Both lawyers are talking to both of us while waving their arms trying to get our attention. But we are now way to into this debate to stop and are totally ignoring them.

“Book!” she screeched, at which point this makes the lady start sputtering and squeaking at a very high pitched and rapid rate. To which I start talking over her, in order to cause the most commotion in this tiny echoing room as possible.

To add to the confusion I yell out "I love Muppet's!" - which really stopped everyone mid-argument to figure out what the blazes I had moved on to next.

Finally, in order to gain control over the room which is now watching us argue and not paying any attention to either lawyer, one brave lawyer steps in between us and says,” You both may go. Thank you”.

We both stop talking and I hop out of the chair and walk towards the door. Unfortunately I have to walk out with this lady who is shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

The jury video promised that we would make life long friends at jury duty, but something tells me that she will not want to be pen pals when we exit.

*Again, I would like to point out that I know I am going to perdition for my behavior and truly am sorry for upsetting this lady with my outrageous remarks.

Jury Duty: Part 2

The nice jury duty lady steps back up to the microphone to say, “While we wait for word from the courts feel free to read a book or use your computer. I will be turning on the television behind me in a moment for you all to watch. I will be turning on to the History Channel. Before I turn it on here are the rules for the jury lounge television”

There are rules? This reminds me of my house. Number one TV rule issued to me by my husband? Under pain of death, I am not allowed to push any buttons on the remote other than on, off, channel and volume.


“The following are the jury lounge television rules.

The television must stay on the History channel for the first hour it is on.

After that you may change the channel, but you are not allowed to watch any of the following:
No Soap Operas
No telenovelas
No talk shows
No infomercials
Nothing offensive to anyone (Really? Does anything exist that doesn’t offend anyone?)

If you want to adjust the volume please approach the desk and speak with us.”

Nice jury lady you have just disqualified anything we could watch at 10am on a weekday. I think it would have been easier to leave it with one rule: You can only watch the History Channel in the jury lounge.

See, much simpler!

Next in the continuing journey of jury duty: I get called into a small room for questioning!

Jury Duty: Part One

Are there any two words more loved in the English language than “Jury Duty”?

No?

I was called to jury duty this week for what feels like the millionth time. I get called every year, rain or shine. It’s terrible. But that’s neither here nor there. I usually only have to call in everyday and luckily for the last few years I have not been called into the courthouse. No such luck this year.

I got called in and dutifully arrived at the obscenely early time of 7am. What? I am not a morning person.
The parking is terrible so the early hour is necessary if I want parking, so the recorded voice strongly suggested getting there well before our 7:45am call time.

After a long line to get into the courthouse we all shuffle into the jury lounge and take our seats. And now the waiting begins…

A half hour later a very nice lady steps up to a microphone and starts telling us that she will be with us in a moment. If we could just direct out attention to the nice jury duty video she will be with us when the video concludes.

Dear God,there is a jury duty video? I do not remember this from my last jury duty journey to the courthouse.(well over 5 years ago). I am sure that there was no need for a video.

The video is a wonderfully cheesy video that explains all the joys and rules that are included in jury duty.

“You will need no special training to be a juror” the narrator intoned, “But you will follow the jury rules”
Oh I will, will I? I guess it depends on those rules disembodied voice!

“You will not prejudge any of the people, evidence or entities involved in any of the trials”
What, but prejudging people and things is one of my strongest talents!

“You will not investigate a case on your own during or after the trial”
Wait, does this actually happen? Has any juror really tried to go all CSI by themselves on the court system?

“You will use your everyday common sense to weigh the evidence”
Yes, because common sense is working for so many people these days. This is an excellent barometer, thanks disembodied voice.

“Behind closed doors it is our duty to give your opinion and speak up….”
Finally one I can do! I am totally opinionated and have no issues sharing them with people. I bet I could even share it in a way to manipulate people to my side, like in all those jury movies… Wait… what else did the voice say?

“…And you need to listen to everyone else’s opinion as well”.
Damnit! I have a much harder time doing that part of the rule.

Next the video moves on to former juror interviews:

Video Juror 1: “I loved jury duty; it made me feel good about myself”

Video Juror 2: “I was worried about how to properly be a juror, and sitting in the jury box in a courtroom. But I bought a book and everything went well in the courtroom after I did that”
Wait, did you read through the trial? Cause I can do that. If you couldn’t then this quote makes no sense.

Video Juror 3: “Jury duty made me proud to do my civic duty and made me feel better about myself.”

Video Juror 4: “I loved jury duty, it felt good”.

Ok, if I have a healthy (some may say overly inflated) self esteem may I leave?

This video has not really cleared anything up for me. But after the credits roll (yes there were credits) the nice lady steps up the microphone again.

“Hello, and thank you for coming to serve. Please pull out your summons and turn it over. There you will see the reasons for disqualification for jury service. If you fit any of these criteria please come see us at the desk. If you do not fit these criteria please tear your badge off the summons and put it in the plastic badge holder provided”.

I pull out my juror summons and try to be very careful at separating the perforated edges from the piece of paper. Slowly I get one corner detached, I move to the next side. This is much harder. I rip one corner, but just barely. Maybe if I do the rest well no one will see the tear through the badge holder.
20 minutes later I have a completely ripped and jagged edged badge separated from the summons.

Maybe I have found the next disqualification reason – can you correctly detach the juror badge? NO? Then you are not smart enough to serve on a jury.

Next blog post: Rules for the jury lounge television