I have problem.....

Much like how this blog got started, I seem to have a problem saying "no". This happens to me a lot.

For instance when challenged to write a blog about the dumb things I do and that happen to me, instead of saying "no" as I should have, I now have a blog.

Instead of saying "no" to getting talked into going to a funeral for someone so I could sing in their sted, I went and sang.

So today you find me signing up for the "Graphic Novel Reading Challenge" - solely because someone said it might be a good idea.

So this challenge is to start reading and reviewing graphic novels, something that I have not had much experience with before. When I asked what level I should do I was told "Expert".

So, occasionally if you see something linking to a random graphic novel know that it is indeed connected to this blog. And my inability to say one simple word......

It all adds up....

While watching tv a commercial came on and it promised this:

First item is 40% off
Second item is 50% off
Third item is 60% off

I turn to Gary and jokingly said,” That’s 150% off!”

Gary replied, “Sure. On a related note? That’s why you can’t teach our kids math”

This scares me

So I had to go to the Post Office on December 7th and I had to get in line to mail something out. In front of me were two people that were in front of me. Being nosy this is the conversation I overheard:

“Did you see the flag?” said one guy in jeans and a sweatshirt.

“No, is something up with the flag?”, the other guy asked as he played on his phone.

“Yeah, it’s at half mast and I have no idea why”, the guy said with a bit of frustration in his voice.

“Really? Someone important must have died. I wonder who it was”, the other guy replied.

“I didn’t hear anything about someone dying”the first guy said,” You think it was a celebrity?”

“Dude, I’ll just look it up on my phone”, the second guy said as he scrolled on his phone.

A few minutes of looking later the guys seemed stumped. The both agreed that it must have been some celebrity that died and were speculating on who it could be when I could stand it no longer.

“It’s Pearl Harbor Day! That’s why the flag is at half mast”, I said to them.

They both turned to me with puzzled looks on their faces.

“Pearl Harbor has a day?” one guy said

“But it’s in Hawaii”, the phone guy added.

“Yes, it is in Hawaii and it has a day. Today is Pearl Harbor day and therefore the flags at half mast in honor of those who died today 69 years ago”, I said trying to figure out how this very simple explanation could possibly be so confusing to them.

“Maybe in Hawaii it is” one guy scoffed and then turned to walk to the postal worker teller that had just become available. As they walked away I could hear them still pondering the flags status.

I am very concerned about the education in America……

Wardrobe Malfunction

I have a satin blouse that I love, but I never wear it. So when I picked it out of the closet today I thought “Why don’t I wear this more?” and put it on. It wasn’t until I got far enough away from the house to not be able to go back and change that I remembered, this blouse likes to pop open and I never seem to notice when it does.

So here is a list of places or people that saw my boobs over the last day:

The bagel shops employees and patrons (it was full of people)
The board (5 men) at one of my client buildings, my boss and the building manager
The front desk at another building and all residents in the lobby
The front desk at another building and the security and residents in the lobby
At a different buildings holiday party full of residents
Smart and Final
The Post Office
Target in the women’s department, in the book section and at the checkout stand (I bought a sweater to wear over the shirt)

Sadly, since I never can tell when the blouse pops open I end up flashing the world for an indeterminate amount of time.

Odds are I’m going to forget it does this and a wear it out again sometime….

I'm weird, but so is he

Many words have been used to describe the randomly wacky relationship that is my marriage. Crazy, silly, and whimsical even have been bantered around. But I think nothing describes it as much as this interaction.

I was all jacked up on musical theatre geekiness after watching Glee for the second time in one night (and this episode was full of awesome musical theatre songs!) and it was well after midnight when my husband turned to me and said,” You need to go to bed or else you’ll never get up in the morning” (So true).

So I get off the couch and get my cell phone from the table. As I walk towards to the stairs my husband says,” So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night."

Immediately I burst into “The sun has gone to bed and so must I” as I do a weird approximation of the dance from the movie on my tip toes and sing “do da da loot loot do do do do”.

As he cracks up I finish the lyric,” So long farewell, auf wiedersehen goodniiiiiiiight”.

I then dance off up the stairs while humming the song. All my husband says is” I love you!”

I think this is a key to our marriage; he simultaneously loves me and ignores me.

Who said I don't follow directions?

Did you know that my super cool high tech phone does more than make calls and let me tweet stuff?
Apparently it has a GPS/directions application that will help guide you to wherever you want to go. In my case, a freeway….

I left a theatre located up near San Diego State University and turned right onto El Cajon Blvd. I remember that there is a freeway exit this way and off I go. Hey, there’s the car dealership on the left hand side that I knew was coming up! The freeway should be somewhere on the left hand side in a few blocks. I totally know where I am, yay me!

So what do I do? I decide to turn right. (It made sense to me at the time)

Now I am deep in a neighborhood, and it is dark. Was that a school I just passed? And a park? I have no idea this was all out there…. I guess I never wandered over here when I went to school out here.

Um….where am I now? I do not see anything remotely familiar…

Aha! A street I know! I think the nearest freeway exit is a right turn from here, so I do the only logical thing.

I turned left.

I’m passing bars full of kids trying to get in, and all matters of shops that are closed. The street is dark, but I am also pretty sure that if I keep going I will hit a freeway somewhere.

At a red light I pull out my phone. I remember having some sort of map/directions application on here. Ah ha! Here it is!
I type in my home address and wait for it to find my location.

The light turns green and I see that my directions tell me to find Spring Street. I keep driving and see Spring Street pass me by. I wave as I sail right by it.

Now the directions tell me to continue on to find Baltimore Dr. What is that shiny thing? Did I read that sign correctly?

Was that Baltimore Dr I just drove right by? Huh, I think I was supposed to turn or something here. I decide to keep going on the street I’m on and refresh my directions.

I see that my GPS is very angry at me, as it keeps popping up dots where I am. Since I keep moving dots keep popping up all over the map.

A green light turns and I decide to keep going. Is that a Baskin Robbins? I didn’t know that there was one here.

Is that a freeway ramp I see in the distance? if I keep driving in what looks like the direction of the freeway I see I know I will find a freeway eventually.

Another red light and I hit refresh again. The GPS says a big “F U” to me and turns itself off. If I want directions I have to reenter all the information.

Fine! I’ll go to this mysterious freeway exit I am sure that I am heading towards.

Eventually I find the freeway exit. Apparently I have traveled way east and towards the wrong freeway altogether from where I had intended to go.

I got home eventually. Probably a half hour later than I should have gotten home.

I don't understand why people say I don't take direction well......

Warning!

This is really a warning that is in everyone’s best interest: Do NOT give me coffee
But why, you ask?

I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like the taste of it (although I love the smell of it) and have never had a cup of coffee or any variation thereof, in my life.

So when a nice man came into my office today and gave me a coffee, I took a few sips to be polite but never intended to drink the whole thing. However, the coffee he brought was delicious! This delightful confection was full of sugar and cream and various tasty and high caloric things that masked the taste of the coffee that lurked somewhere in the drink. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire thing!

I had forgotten that I had not eaten anything that day and didn’t realize that this would be a full sugar/caffeine jolt to my system without any kind of buffer. Next thing I know everything is super funny and I can’t stop giggling!

I am at work! This behavior is unacceptable! I try to calm myself down but apparently that doesn’t extend to my feet which have started a tap dancing routine without my permission.

I am super excited to see everyone, and my speech starts getting incredibly fast paced. The baffled look of “what the hell?” crosses every ones face as they (try) to speak to me. I am bouncing along as I walk, with the occasional “Shuffle off to buffalo” tap move tossed in for good measure.

That random noise that everyone is hearing is me, tunelessly humming. One of my co-workers looked at me and said, “Look at her eyes! It’s like she’s on crack!”

My heart rate was accelerated and I was suddenly overcome with an urge to go shopping. Another co-worker called to tell me explicitly not to go shopping in this condition. “What does she know? I just want to go shopping…everywhere!”

Everything was extraordinarily fascinating but at the same time everything took me way longer to process than normal. I looked up how this drink is made; it has multiple shots of espresso in it! This is unacceptable!

Finally, about three hours later I finally crashed.

Please do not let me do this again! Now that I know there is a type of coffee out there that actually tastes good, but apparently is made with a bazillion shots of espresso, I will probably be tempted to try it once again. This is a bad plan! No matter how amusing it maybe, do not let me drink coffee. It is like letting a ferret loose in a room full of shiny objects. You don’t want to deal with that kind of crazy!

This public service announcement was brought to you by the letter C for Caffeine.

Can I interest you in a business venture?

Apparently this weekend I was very ambitious and decided to start my own business. I received a phone call this morning from my bank wanting to verify some purchases this weekend. The lady on the phone was very nice and had a few transactions she wanted to cover.

Since I had gone up to LA last weekend I thought maybe they were going to ask me about any Disney or pirate related purchases.

First purchase: “Did you try to make a purchase at 3am this morning for $1.00 via yahoo?“
“ No, I did not do that”.


Second Purchase: “Did you spend $534.00 on business materials in Portugal yesterday?”

“Um, no I definitely did not do that.”

“Are you sure you weren’t in Portugal this weekend?”, asked the nice but obviously geographically challenged bank teller.

“No, I am positive I was not in Portugal this weekend, nor did I authorize any purchase of that amount to anyone in the US or Portugal this weekend”.

“Ok, great”, the banker said.

Third Purchase: “Did you spend $656.00 on marketing materials in Portugal this weekend?”

“No, like I said I was never in Portugal this weekend or even used this card this weekend”.

“Are you sure you didn’t go to Portugal this weekend?”, the banker asked.

In my mind I was thinking, “Ok, wait, now that you mention it you’re totally right, I did go to Portugal this weekend. It’s a 16 hour flight from San Diego, but you’re right, I did go to Portugal this weekend and it completely slipped my mind. “

But instead I said,”I am positive I did not jaunt off to Portugal this weekend”.

“Well if you didn’t authorize these purchases then it seems like maybe your card was compromised and we’ll cancel it.”, the banker said.

“Great, let’s do that. Cancel the card, because I did not make those purchases”, I said as firmly as I could.

“I can do that,” the banker said,”But to verify, you didn’t go to Portugal for the weekend?”

Are you being serious? I know that this is credit card fraud and I’m glad they’re being vigilant, but, really? I can promise you I did not go to Portugal and back this weekend. Check my atm card; you’ll see that I used it all around San Diego all weekend. And while San Diego has a large Portuguese community, we have never been mistaken for Portugal. Having been to Portugal myself I promise I would absolutely know if I went back to visit.

But again, all I said was,”Yes, I am sure that I did not go to Portugal for the weekend.”

"Well, if you are sure you did not go to Portugal then I guess we can cancel the card. If you're totally sure", the banker said.

"I am sure that I did not go to Portugal this weekend!", I said with more than a little exasperation.

From there, the phone call was more standard. But since it appears that I have invested in business materials, and that I went all the way to Portugal for them, can I interest you in a business opportunity?

Failed Career Option #435

So, there are some things that I can do and some that I cannot. Today I learned another career that I am not destined for........

Hairdresser

Reason #1

Obviously there is the whole geometry issue - that I suck at math in general and really fail much more spectacularly at geometry seems like reason enough to avoid this particular profession.

Reason #2

Apparently I am a truly terrible hair color applicator. To the person to whom I did this terrible thing, I am sorry.

I know I'm going to hell....

Warning: I am a bit of a jerk in this blog post. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but in my defense I was trying to get out of jury duty and felt the need to be as obnoxious as possible.

Jury Questioning

Nothing is more fun for someone with ADD then waiting in a room with a bunch of people who are told to stay quiet, with nothing to do or observe, and wait for information. So I was actually excited to be called into a room with other people for some questioning.

We were called into a small room and there were not more than 30 people in the room. They tell us to take a seat and wait for the nice people to come in and speak with us. We’ll be asked a few questions that will help whittle down the jury.

Some gentlemen come into the room and introduce themselves as people working on the trial. They have a few questions for us and that we’ll start right now.

To avoid going to jail I am not going to post the actual questions that were asked that could be construed to give any information on the case. But here is what (I think) I could put together about this case.

It’s a civil case and had something to do with business. There were some veiled questions about how we enjoyed looking at charts, reading forms and documents and things like that. Sounds like fun already

There must have been some ethical quandary about investigations and the process because they were also asking questions that could pertain to how we interpreted business ethics. Debating business ethics and moral ambiguity, even more fun!

Then the nice lawyers turned to me and asked me how I felt about law enforcement.

Speaking way to fast and enthusiastically I say “I love law enforcement; I am very pro law enforcement. My Dad and brother are part of the sheriff’s association, my cousin is a lawyer, a childhood friend works as a prosecuting attorney and my boss’s husband works for the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Thank you” the lawyer says as he starts to turn away from me.

Shit, what am I going to do to get off this jury? I was told if I pledged my undying loyalty to law enforcement that it was a sure fire way to get dismissed!

As the lawyer starts to speak I blurt out “And I’m pro-death penalty!”
He turns back around to look at me, incredulous that I have just yelled that out to the room.

I'm going to pretend that his was a calculated move on my part. In my fevered brain I figured that with this hasty declaration the people will conclude one of two things:

1) That I am an idiot who doesn’t know that the death penalty is not applicable to a civil case- and therefore I don’t have the brains to be on the jury

OR

2) That I am an idiot that doesn’t have the brains to shut up and would be totally incapable of controlling herself during trial – and therefore I shouldn’t be on the jury

“Um…why?”, the nice gentleman asked. In retrospect I think it was asked more as a question of why had I exclaimed this and not why am I a proponent

“I’m Catholic; our entire religion is based on the death penalty”, I said very calmly as if that explained everything.

The nice lady to my left, a few empty seats down, bristles at this answer and loudly exclaims,” Young lady I cannot believe you said that! You need to read your Bible to understand the word of God”.

“I have read the Bible”, I replied. Because it’s true, I have read it and studied it multiple times and not just for a class assignment.

The lawyers at this time are now frantically trying to get control over what has turned into a debate over religion, and this is not a good way to get people to act impartially.

“Well then you need to pray before you read the holy word of our Lord so that you understand what he is saying”, she says very smugly, as if I was a small naughty child caught in a lie.

“It was a very nice book, but I don’t think I need to pray before reading it. That won’t change my comprehension of what it contains”.

Both lawyers are talking to both of us while waving their arms trying to get our attention. But we are now way to into this debate to stop and are totally ignoring them.

“Book!” she screeched, at which point this makes the lady start sputtering and squeaking at a very high pitched and rapid rate. To which I start talking over her, in order to cause the most commotion in this tiny echoing room as possible.

To add to the confusion I yell out "I love Muppet's!" - which really stopped everyone mid-argument to figure out what the blazes I had moved on to next.

Finally, in order to gain control over the room which is now watching us argue and not paying any attention to either lawyer, one brave lawyer steps in between us and says,” You both may go. Thank you”.

We both stop talking and I hop out of the chair and walk towards the door. Unfortunately I have to walk out with this lady who is shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

The jury video promised that we would make life long friends at jury duty, but something tells me that she will not want to be pen pals when we exit.

*Again, I would like to point out that I know I am going to perdition for my behavior and truly am sorry for upsetting this lady with my outrageous remarks.

Jury Duty: Part 2

The nice jury duty lady steps back up to the microphone to say, “While we wait for word from the courts feel free to read a book or use your computer. I will be turning on the television behind me in a moment for you all to watch. I will be turning on to the History Channel. Before I turn it on here are the rules for the jury lounge television”

There are rules? This reminds me of my house. Number one TV rule issued to me by my husband? Under pain of death, I am not allowed to push any buttons on the remote other than on, off, channel and volume.


“The following are the jury lounge television rules.

The television must stay on the History channel for the first hour it is on.

After that you may change the channel, but you are not allowed to watch any of the following:
No Soap Operas
No telenovelas
No talk shows
No infomercials
Nothing offensive to anyone (Really? Does anything exist that doesn’t offend anyone?)

If you want to adjust the volume please approach the desk and speak with us.”

Nice jury lady you have just disqualified anything we could watch at 10am on a weekday. I think it would have been easier to leave it with one rule: You can only watch the History Channel in the jury lounge.

See, much simpler!

Next in the continuing journey of jury duty: I get called into a small room for questioning!

Jury Duty: Part One

Are there any two words more loved in the English language than “Jury Duty”?

No?

I was called to jury duty this week for what feels like the millionth time. I get called every year, rain or shine. It’s terrible. But that’s neither here nor there. I usually only have to call in everyday and luckily for the last few years I have not been called into the courthouse. No such luck this year.

I got called in and dutifully arrived at the obscenely early time of 7am. What? I am not a morning person.
The parking is terrible so the early hour is necessary if I want parking, so the recorded voice strongly suggested getting there well before our 7:45am call time.

After a long line to get into the courthouse we all shuffle into the jury lounge and take our seats. And now the waiting begins…

A half hour later a very nice lady steps up to a microphone and starts telling us that she will be with us in a moment. If we could just direct out attention to the nice jury duty video she will be with us when the video concludes.

Dear God,there is a jury duty video? I do not remember this from my last jury duty journey to the courthouse.(well over 5 years ago). I am sure that there was no need for a video.

The video is a wonderfully cheesy video that explains all the joys and rules that are included in jury duty.

“You will need no special training to be a juror” the narrator intoned, “But you will follow the jury rules”
Oh I will, will I? I guess it depends on those rules disembodied voice!

“You will not prejudge any of the people, evidence or entities involved in any of the trials”
What, but prejudging people and things is one of my strongest talents!

“You will not investigate a case on your own during or after the trial”
Wait, does this actually happen? Has any juror really tried to go all CSI by themselves on the court system?

“You will use your everyday common sense to weigh the evidence”
Yes, because common sense is working for so many people these days. This is an excellent barometer, thanks disembodied voice.

“Behind closed doors it is our duty to give your opinion and speak up….”
Finally one I can do! I am totally opinionated and have no issues sharing them with people. I bet I could even share it in a way to manipulate people to my side, like in all those jury movies… Wait… what else did the voice say?

“…And you need to listen to everyone else’s opinion as well”.
Damnit! I have a much harder time doing that part of the rule.

Next the video moves on to former juror interviews:

Video Juror 1: “I loved jury duty; it made me feel good about myself”

Video Juror 2: “I was worried about how to properly be a juror, and sitting in the jury box in a courtroom. But I bought a book and everything went well in the courtroom after I did that”
Wait, did you read through the trial? Cause I can do that. If you couldn’t then this quote makes no sense.

Video Juror 3: “Jury duty made me proud to do my civic duty and made me feel better about myself.”

Video Juror 4: “I loved jury duty, it felt good”.

Ok, if I have a healthy (some may say overly inflated) self esteem may I leave?

This video has not really cleared anything up for me. But after the credits roll (yes there were credits) the nice lady steps up the microphone again.

“Hello, and thank you for coming to serve. Please pull out your summons and turn it over. There you will see the reasons for disqualification for jury service. If you fit any of these criteria please come see us at the desk. If you do not fit these criteria please tear your badge off the summons and put it in the plastic badge holder provided”.

I pull out my juror summons and try to be very careful at separating the perforated edges from the piece of paper. Slowly I get one corner detached, I move to the next side. This is much harder. I rip one corner, but just barely. Maybe if I do the rest well no one will see the tear through the badge holder.
20 minutes later I have a completely ripped and jagged edged badge separated from the summons.

Maybe I have found the next disqualification reason – can you correctly detach the juror badge? NO? Then you are not smart enough to serve on a jury.

Next blog post: Rules for the jury lounge television

People are Strange

Conversation with my husband right before he left for work:

Hubby: "God we're strange, and how did we find each other?"

EM: "I try to be normal"

Hubby: "Thinking about it once in a while doesn't count as trying"

Just call me Cullen

I spent a lot of time in the sun today…for me. There was a fair amount of driving and waiting outside today as I ran errands and I was in the sun quite a bit. Granted I have a hat (I pay a lot for that hair color, I can’t let it fade) and sunglasses (squinting makes me look funny) but I’m in the sun. So when I went to run my last errand I was amazed at the color that I had acquired. I even had freckles across the bridge of my nose!

So I walk into the store (sans my hat and glasses) and I was looking for something when this lady walks up to me. She was holding a couple of different bottles in her hands was gesturing to me.

Motioning to the bottles in her hands she asked, “What can you tell me about these?”

I smiled and shook my head, “I don’t work here, and I don’t know specifics about the products”.

She smiled back and said,” No, can you tell me which one you like?”

I look down and see that she is holding two bottles of sunscreen. One was SPF 4 and one was SPF 8. I said,” I don’t use these particular lotions but the higher the number the more UV rays it blocks.”

She looks down at her skin, which was a beautiful even tan, and said,” I don’t want to get any more color.” She then smiled again and walked away.

A moment later she comes back and has a different bottle in her hand. “Is this the one you use?”

She smiled again, “I thought you would know. You look like someone who would be in one of the Twilight movies”.

I look at the sunscreen in her hand again and then back to my skin color. Apparently I am so pale people think I am using SPF 70 and could work as a vampire.

I smiled and said,” Sure, that’s what I use”.

You know what’s the saddest thing about her assessment of me? I really am much tanner then I have been in years!

Cornered by Celebrity Cunning

So having just finished the comic fueled four day sprint that is Comic-Con, I had the chance to see many interesting things. But there was one person that I never expected to see that I found fascinating to watch.

This person is famous for many things, but most notably for driving a talking car and for running down the beach in a pair of red lifeguard shorts. He has had his fair share of bad press lately, but apparently this has not shaken his core belief in himself. He had the most fascinating way of making people notice him and end up coming over to him, even if they didn’t want to actually meet him.

Step one:
Speak really really loudly with a lot of large arm gestures. This draws the attention of people that are walking by.

Step two:
When he saw that someone had looked over in his general direction, he would smile and say,” It’s ok, come on over!”

At this point the poor baffled person would shake their head and try to gesture that they weren’t going to come over. This causes him to say quite loudly to draw more attention, “No, it’s fine come on over.”

Being cornered by his loudly exclaimed enthusiasm, and not wanting to draw more attention to themselves the people go over to him.

Step three:
He then says,” You can take a picture with me, I’d love too.”
The people say that it’s alright and try to extricate themselves from his grasp. But the celebrity then says,“ Here, she can take our picture”.
Out of no where an assistant jumps out and smiles, so the people give her their camera to not cause more of a scene.
They pose and take the picture, the celebrity smiling and the people quizzically wondering how they ended up taking a picture they didn’t want with a celebrity they didn’t even want to meet in the first place.

I saw this happen a lot! This guy has this down to a science and people were helpless to resist the celebrity cunning.


Also, I heard him complaining to someone about going to a local beach. I missed the beginning of the conversation but this is what I overheard:

“The beaches here are beautiful, but can you believe this? They kicked me off the beach! ME! They kicked me off the beach!”

No response from the people he was speaking with.

“Me?!?! Kick me off the beach? I mean, come on!”

“Why did they kick you off the beach?” someone in the group finally asked. (I would have asked but that wold have been admitting I was eavesdropping and I was afraid to get sucked in the picture trap with him)

“Because I had the dog, but still…come on! You can’t kick me off the beach! I’d save the dog if I had too!”

So, I’d like to point out that you’re only supposed to have dogs at Dog beaches in California. I doubt the lifeguards were concerned with their ability to rescue a dog if it were drowning…..

Best Worst Party Ever

I have been blessed to go to many very cool parties. I have been to parties in Las Vegas that hosted entire circuses’ and I have been to parties in France with ballrooms decorated with live plants in an “Alice in Wonderland“Theme. I know what a good party looks like.

But the party I went to this evening tops them all. So in case you are curious what it takes to throw the best worst party ever, here are my tips for you:

• Hype the hell out of the list of all the confirmed celebrities that will be attending you party and then only have two of them make an appearance.

• However other random celebrities will show up to your party, which is awesome when your security and party staff have no idea who they are or why they are there. (Although to be fair they were all actors I loved and knew)

• Make sure that one of your celebrities comes equipped with a monkey puppet that wears a bra on its head. Ensure that he will use this puppet to speak to people for the duration of the party. (This was an actor I did recognize but did not love)

• Have your event staff make truly terrible and even painful introductions of the celebrities if they happen to get them to the correct location for media.
Example: The staff guy walks up the red carpet and says to the media “This is a guy….from..um….the Scissor Sisters?” with a half hearted shrug before turning around and walking away.

• Invite media to come and publicize your event, but forget to tell security that they are allowed to take pictures. This allows the media to get personalized security escorts who continually try to block them from taking pictures and saying “No pictures” very loudly as the media try to do their job. This is extremely helpful and always leads to excellent publicity for the event.

• Have no food available, but bars everywhere. This allows the attendees to get nice and inebriated but also be starving. So when someone rolls out a small cart with sample sized Dixie cups of ice cream the crowd will descend upon them like sharks in a feeding frenzy.

• Have VIP escorts (made up of the same people who halfheartedly introduced them because they have no idea who they are) who forget to escort the celebrities anywhere they are supposed to go. This allows the celebrities to scatter like a herd of cats.

The poor VIP coordinator was horrified when she realized that none of the celebrities were walked further than the red carpet and were never told where the VIP section was and were left to wander the party. She. Was. HORRIFIED

And last but not least…..

• Have William Shatner interview all of the celebrities that do happen to appear!

Example: I saw two well known actors appear specifically to be interviewed by William Shatner for a web show that Shatner was hosting. (I know this because I was totally eavesdropping)

William Shatner proceed to introduce them by talking about how these are two great actors, and he has worked with many great actors, but not these two actors. But other great actors (enter a monologue about Shatner’s opnion that he is awesome)
The two actors finally get on the stage and William Shatner looks at them and asks them their names and their shows names. The actors answer the question. They turn to Wiliam Shatner anticipating another question.

William Shatner then turns to the audience and says “These two are great actors, but I have to go”. Handed the microphone to one of the actors and exited the stage. These actors were not happy.


How good was this party?
This evening ended with me literally laying down in oncoming traffic

The children are our future.....

So I stepped into the elevator in a parking garage on my way to the theater with some women already in it on the way down to the street level. To see a show that includes full frontal puppet nudity and songs called "Everyone's a little bit Racist" and "If you were Gay". It's safe to say that it is not appropriate for children.

As I happily play with my cell phone this is the conversation I hear:

"I am so glad that we got such a good price on these tickets!"

"I know, but I'm sad because I won't qualify for these prices anymore." the other said with an exaggerated sad shrug.

"Thats ok", the other girl replied while laying comforting hands on her friends shoulders,"Cause I qualify for the ticket prices for the next year."

"I know, but I'm so old!", the other girl wailed," I'm almost 18!"

The other girl looked pained at the mere mention of this incredibly old number. Drawing a bracing breath she turns to her much older, almost 18 year old friend and says," We may be old, but we're really smart and we'll be ok".

We stop at another floor and another person gets on. The scenery must have looked different than what they expected because they both looked confused. The almost 18year old leans over to her friend and asks," Does this elevator only go up and down?"

I know the children are our future, but based on this conversation, I'm scared.

My Husband tried to kill me.....

And what makes it even more impressive is he wasn't even with me when he tried to kill me.

Let me explain....

As everyone who has ever known me is aware, I am not the most graceful or coordinated person that is on this planet. So when I suggested that we or I go zip lining across an arctic forest, did my husband tell me this was a bad idea? Did he give a thought for the small forest creatures, the ancient forest or the people in this group with me and how I could easily wreck havoc on all of them?

NO

Having already been zip lining many times, he knew exactly what awaited me and did not tell me anything about how bad I would be at it!

So off I go by myself to dangle from a single wire with a group of similarly minded, although much more coordinated individuals. While I was alone I did meet three lovely gay men from Texas (as their shirts said “Everything is bigger inTexas, even the Gays") who were very friendly. There were only 7 of us total in the group and we all were naively excited about the adventure we were about to embark upon.

So the training consists of this: get the harness on, the helmet and the gloves (a great look for me, by the way) and they instruct us to hook book the lines from our harness to the zip line. They also tell us to put our legs out straight or tuck them in to go faster. We put one hand on the guide that rolls along the line and this keeps us pointed in the right direction. If we want to slow down reach up with the other hand and skim your hand over the wire. So far this sounds pretty easy.

So the first training zip line is about 10 feet long and I do that in perfect form. I am totally going to rock at this!

Then I look at the next zip and see that it is 150 feet long. Extensive training my ass! Those 10 feet took a second and there was no mention of what to do in an emergency or in case you take out and endangered animal or something. I am literally at eye level with a pair of bald eagles; this is how high up I am in these trees.

Everyone takes off and I am the last on the platform except for one of the guides who is hooking me up. I take off...and promptly forget all of the "extensive training" and start swinging in a circle at 35 mph. I reach up to straighten out the pulley and brake, which almost pulls my arm out of the socket (apparently you should not close your hand around the wire). As I come closer to the platform I try to slow down some more and I stop 5 feet away from the platform. Swell... I now have to pull my heavy ass, hand over hand, until I reach the platform. At this point I vow to diet extensively if I don't have to do that again.

At this point the 11 year old boy (who did everything perfectly and enthusiastically ~ I really didn't like him) says, “Wouldn’t it be cool if someone got stuck in the middle of the line so we see someone have to get rescued?" No kid, don't put shit like that out into the universe.

So half the group goes and now it's my turn. I go, so far so good. Then I hear this weird sound....wait now I'm slowing down. Why am I slowing down?

I try to move my guide and can't.... I have stopped. Mother f***ker!!!!!

My jacket is stuck in the trolley that sails down the line, and I have stopped. My arm is stuck straight up since my jacket has wound itself into the trolley in the guide. So I am now stuck in the middle of the l 600 foot line and there is no possible way I can do this hand over hand thing. Thanks kid

So I can't move and I am hanging by a wire on a wire 185 feet over the forest floor. Umm...help! This is so not cool! My heart is beating a million miles a minute; I am trying to free my stuck arm and am swinging in the breeze. This is not the most fun moment of my life. To make everything worse, because of how I am stuck I can only peer at the forest through the corner of my eye, or look up into the sky. Are those eagles in that tree over there? Are there vultures in Alaska? I’m hanging here like a piece of bait. Was that a bear rambling through the forest underneath me?

I am totally going to die here.

If I were someone else, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to take in the beauty of the forest. I’d notice how the horizon meets the sea and forest, and the clouds drift across the sky or something. However, I can't take in the beauty of the forest, as one might when an opportunity like this arrives. And not just because all I can think of is the many ways I can die from my complete lack of coordination.

Of course when the beauty of said forest is seeing exactly how far you will plummet to your death I guess it makes sense that it’s not something I'd dwell on.

Levi, our front guide comes out and hooks himself to me and unlatches the trolley which causes me to drop from the line and hang there by only one small hook. I know these lines have been field tested to a bijillion pounds of pressure, but one hook separating me from the forest floor is not improving the situation in my mind. Eventually we get to the end and he pulls me to the platform. He is the skinniest man on the planet and he was in charge of bringing me in...Poor guy must have lost a bet or something.

Upon reaching the platform I contemplated my next options. I could live on the platform. There are no stairs or any other ways to get off the platform, other then continuing on. Since I had proved up to that point that I was apparently incapable of doing this correctly, continuing on was not looking like the most likely option. So I could stay on this platform. I could change my name to Butterfly Moonblossom and say I'm protesting the plight of the earth worm, or something.

No? Fine then....

Next zip line up is 800 feet. I pray like I never have before that this is not a repeat of the last experience. I make it perfectly, and the kid gets stuck 10 feet away from the platform. Hah! Take that kid! I'm not the only uncoordinated person in the group anymore! (Is it bad I'm rejoicing that a ten year old was stranded mid-air?)

One of the guides says our elbows are the key to going straight and in good form. Where was this little bit of information during the "extensive training" Mr. Man? I decide to ignore everything they say from now on and go with my new plan; brake when I get close to the end and if I smack into the tree then at least I'll have stopped by the platform.

Now I notice that all this time one of my new friends has taken "hug a tree" to a new literal meaning. His kung fu grip was slowly killing the poor trees. I take refuge that I didn't resort to that. I mean, once I was on the platform I only clung to the wire line, not the tree itself.

3 suspension bridges, and 5 more zip lines and I made it through the course and saw Bald Eagles, a Mama Bear and her cub, and a reindeer. Although I’m not sure if they were there coincidentally or because they were hoping that I would screw up again and they’d have dinner.

At the end of the course we all climb down from the giant trees. I am sure that the guides have never been so happy to see someone go home.

Our bus pulls back to the area where my husband said he would meet me afterwards, I see him sitting on the curb, Starbucks in hand. I get off the bus and run to him and give him a huge hug. I look up at him and say," I was so bad at that I almost died!"

My husband looked at me lovingly and said,"" I figured you would be; that’s why I didn't go".

Things I have learned today....

I should not go to Nordstrom's because:

1) I will loose my mind in the accessories department and buy a GIANT hat








2) I will join the "Twilight" cut outs hidden within the mannequins






Nordstrom's was glad to see me go, I'm sure....

Why this blog?

So some of you may be wondering why in fact I have been talked into this blog. In fact, I asked myself and my friends that encouraged this blog, that same question. Then it was explained to me that the experiences that I take for granted as normal everyday occurrences were in fact not.

For example: Have you ever gone somewhere and inexplicably been trapped by an impromptu graduation ceremony? Have you ever been talked into going to a funeral for someone you don’t know by co-workers? Have you ever been thrown in Disneyland Jail? Do you and your significant other argue (even eleven years later) and still not agree on your anniversary? Disagree to the point that your friends call you and wish you a happy anniversary on your claimed days? For me, the answer to all of the above questions is yes.

See, I just have a habit of thinking everything is a potential adventure and most of the time they are indeed. I also love to find the absurd in any situation and exploit it to its fullest capacity. So when people ask me if I would be interested I something, I say” Sure, why not?” This response usually leads to these scenarios.

So if you’re interested in following the odd journey that happens to be my life feel free to follow along. I have had a lot of adventures in my life and I don’t think that will change anytime soon.

I found the Cadburry bunny!

You know the Cadburry bunny? The one on TV during Easter that clucks like a chicken while it's little nose goes up and down? Yes? Good, cause I found him!

My husband and I went to the pound to get a dog (he's adorable and his name is Wilson and he's also another story) and they were just opening up all the pens for the animals. As we came out of the hallway full of cuddly kittens the first thing I see is a half uncovered bunny hutch. I love bunnies. I had two when I was younger and they were awesome. So I walk up to said bunny hutch and start looking at them. As I look at each of them in their own cage I stop...was that, clucking I heard? Searching for the noise I stop when I think I have located the source. A sweet little black and white flop-eared bunny. His little nose going up and down as he contentedly ate his alfalfa. How did I know he was contented? He was clucking!

I let out an excited squeal and turning to my husband excitedly exclaimed, "I found the Cadburry Bunny!"

Used to these odd outbursts he sighed and said,"What?"

I point excitedly, "I want him! He's the Cadburry bunny! Listen, he's clucking!"

At which my husband points to the cage above the bunny. Partially covered by the awning that has yet to be fully removed, is a chicken in a cage.

First of all, who brings a chicken to the pound? Second, why is the chicken with the bunnies? This mix up must happen all the time!

Also, I am an idiot.

Brought to you by the letter B

When EM asked me to write the “forward” for her blog, I have to admit I failed to stifle a giggle. After agonizing over blog names, I feel that the adventure that is creating this blog is just the sort of reason we feel she needs this blog. You see, the strangest things happen to EM every day that truly do not happen to anybody else. That, or she is such a great story teller that one is just left feeling that such things don’t happen to anybody else. Either way, it was time for these capers to be catalogued. Usually, these misadventures are the fault of her big heart, whether that means taking in a cuddly stray dog, helping a friend connect with a family member, or getting a friend a writing gig for the sole purpose of getting that friend tickets to her favorite event.

For your reading pleasure, I give you, Epic Em!

- Bella Rachel

Oh Dear...I hope I live up to the forward

EM